I need to remember, that I can do hard things.
Not to allow my anxiety to take over.
I have a particular weakness, with my piano skills. Before my treatment over 3 years ago, I may not have been a great piano player, but I did play the piano for the preschool my boys went to for a couple of years including another location that they had.
I got to play the piano for my boys’ elementary school for their Christmas program one year.
I even learned to play the organ for Sacrament meeting while we lived in Midvale (I haven’t even tried here-for 20 years)
I have played the piano for primary in several of the wards we’ve lived in, taught piano lessons and even for a play “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”.
But the treatment that I got, for my mental illness, of which I am SO grateful for, caused a lot of memory issues. Imagine, forgetting where you lived (as in driving home from the store), the birthdays of you parents, siblings, your children and even your husband. Or at least had to try hard to remember. Needing to ask your co-workers how to do your job. Sometimes, it is very painful.
I am currently playing the piano for our ward’s primary. Especially just before my treatment. So, when I started playing again, it was a challenge to say the least. Everyone was so incredibly patient as I got better. Last year for the program was the hardest.
I was struggling and messed up a ton and the program was the next week. But what really topped it off was, looking at the music for “I am a Child of God” and I was lost. For a moment, I couldn’t recognize the notes. I was able to plunk it out a bit, saying to myself “I know this song, what’s the deal?” And after the song, and the chorister was talking with the kids, I sat and sobbed for a few moments and then ran out of the chapel to the bathroom.
This year I’m getting better, but I got a terrifying surprise today. For one of the songs, I was told they were trying to get approval to have a young man play the piano for the song the boys were to sing. I hadn’t heard anything, not even going over the song during singing time, so I figured, that someone else was indeed playing for them and that they were practicing on the song. Well today, it was announced that the boys were going to stay after opening exercises and work on the song. After all of the children had left, I asked “who’s going to be playing this song?” Panic set in. The program is in 2 weeks. I proclaimed, in a part joking matter, that I needed more time than this to prepare, and that I thought they were going to get ____ to play. (Name withheld for privacy). I was able to get the melody out as they learned the words and tried to as a few of the notes during the words that needed to be held out longer, so they could hear what it was like. When they were done, I jokingly said “the Lord can help me do hard things”.
As Bill and I were walking out of the building toward our car, the anxiety caused me to think a lot of things, as I was in a daze going around my thoughts in my head. I clenched my left fist, gently and then released, several times. I was kind of spaced off. When we got in the car, Bill asked what was wrong and I explained the situation, and that I was going back and forth between “I can’t do this and anger for not being told earlier”. It was then that I let the tears flow gently down my cheeks.
I also said that it was wrong for me to ‘joke around’ with the saying, “the Lord can help me do hard things.” I need to exercise my faith again, that HE WILL. To remember that he had SO many times before. Things are going to happen without any warning. Suddenly. We will need to KNOW that we can lean on the Lord. These are the last days and we need to be prepared for the coming of our Lord and Savior. I need to KNOW that he WILL help me to do HARD things. There won’t be time for a panic attack or anxiety. I can still pray for help, but I will need to be ready to hear the answer quicker than I think.
What weaknesses are you experiencing? Do YOU believe “the Lord will help you do hard things”? May we master our weaknesses.
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