Today was a really hard day at work. When I was interviewed for this job, I expressed my willingness and desire to learn new things. I knew this job was going to have many challenges and I would make many mistakes.
I am trying so hard to get things down with my job, that I don’t reach out to make sure that I am doing things right. I feel like they are tired of me calling over the simplest of things. But then…
When I made a big mistake at work today and my big boss was in the office and started grilling me, I became that little girl again…”Why did you do that?…What were you thinking?…Why didn’t you ask for help? Things that were asked that I chose to shrink of embarrassment and inability to talk and explain, like when I was younger.
I was able to explain, through tears, that it is a challenge to speak up when someone asks, firmly, questions that needed to be answered right away, when I made a mistake. I always felt like I was supposed to be perfect, which lead to two things. One was I strove to know a lot which lead many times of being prideful. Two, I have felt like I was ‘supposed’ to be perfect, and when I wasn’t, I was bad. My self esteem is really thin. These things have been triggers to my depression.
It is something that I am trying to work through.
I’ve always been ashamed of not knowing. I saw this as a weakness. I allowed myself to become weak. I have striven to “know”, but that often leads to pride and even an unwillingness to learn.
We talked for quite awhile and I acknowledged things that I will work on.
He said “If you don’t know, ask!” “Don’t keep yourself from growing.”
I know he needed to have a firm voice because this mistake was serious. He knows I don’t meant to do harm to the company.
I usually eat there at the office, and while I did have food in the fridge, I needed to get away from the office. I chose a drive thru near there, got my food and parked in their parking lot in a greatly appreciated shady spot. I took that opportunity to calm down. I know there was one time, in the bathroom, I spent some time to vocally ask the Lord to help me get through this. I just can’t remember if it was before lunch or after.
It meant a lot to me that he reached out as I was getting ready to leave, telling me I am doing a great job and am successful in many areas. He wants to see me keep growing, but that means to reach out. No one is perfect.
Even more, he called after I got back from lunch and asked if I was okay. And was my lunch time good. We talked a little more, then I went back to work.
I know some of this doesn’t make sense. This is for me to get what I can out.
I am hoping to encourage all of us to pick ourselves up and keep moving on this journey. We may have tripped and skinned our knees, but with the help of the knowledge that hard times are to help us grow, we can get back up, sweep off the dirt and keep going. Just keep an eye on those rocks and tree limbs of faults, weaknesses, and other things that trip us up.
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