When you take a bad memory from the past and combine it with one tough situation in the present, whether they are related or not, can make for a very dark day.
Well, today was one of those days.
I had lots of challenges all through out school. There were so MANY times that I was just NOT liked. It created a TON of pain, confusion and loneliness. There are things I might share in the future, but it is way too much for one post.
It started off with remembering some deep and painful memories from junior high and high school. All had to do with band class. I am not going to get into details, but just say, the two that came to mind in junior high, still today leaves me wondering how it got so awful. One was as competition for first chair in which the teacher said I won, but many of my classmates said I did not and was angry with ME!
Then another time, our teacher was giving us some counsel and said something about that WE are the band…I just repeated it, but not in a way the others around me thought I should. They heard “I am the band” and would harass me about it. I was confused as to why. My mom the teacher and found out what happened, and explained what he said after speaking to some of the students. I explained that MY claiming “I” was the band was a misunderstanding and that I was not meaning anything by the way other’s took it.
I know may think that I shouldn’t let these things bother me, especially for so long, and to be honest, I agree. As to why I still remember so fondly the pain definitely is a puzzle but attribute it to the black hole.
The last one was in high school. In fact, it is made up of more than one single memory. In fact, there are far more than I can or would even care to list. Let’s just say there was a bully. He was supposed to be a leader and someone to look up to.
As I was telling my husband while writing this article, I hated him, and to some degree I still do.
But, why did this all come up now? It’s been since 1983-84. Well here we go.
About a week ago, I was with the Stake Choir as we had our first practice to get ready for Stake Conference. We have the most amazing accompanist with a great knowledge of music theory. My friend Kayla and I were visiting just a bit about not having gained this knowledge. I shared how I was even offered a scholarship, but I didn’t take it. That I was and idiot.
Well I have been thinking and wondering why I didn’t go for the scholarship. Then the memory came up of how while Gary and I were in Price, just before his mission homecoming, I went to the college campus, to the music building and visited the band class. There were several of the same classmates that I had in high school, which really wasn’t surprising. But there was one in particular. Yep, the bully.
I realized today that the reason I didn’t pursue the scholarship, was because of fear. When we moved to Nampa, it was like my past was washed away and I got a start over, in many ways.
While I forgot about this for so many years, the memory of the fear, anger and depression growing up had given me came back today. That is a terrible place to be. I was very unproductive and didn’t get much done ALL day.
I apologized to Carlos and he said it was okay. The important thing was to get me good again and he basically ordered me to get some rest. We went to bed earlier than normal, I took a sleep aid and it helped so much.
As I mentioned before that I had talked with my husband about this particular blackhole and the explanation for it, we were able to discuss some of the difficulties growing up for each of us. I am so grateful for my husband and the things we can relate to. For his support, love and most of all accepting me. No, that doesn’t mean he accepts the negative parts of me, but he accepts ME!
I will work with the Lord to forgive the different classmates through the years and to forgive myself for poor choices, unintended offenses and to ask for forgiveness for the hatred that I have harbored these many years. Forgiveness for letting fear keep me from fulfilling a dream of an education in music.
Disclaimer: I started writing this two days ago.
PrintFriendly
